It has been almost 7 months since my lifesaving cardiac
surgery, and while I have recovered quite well physically, returned to work and
gained back almost 15 of the more than 40 pounds I lost, I am still showing the
effects of the massive amount of surgery I underwent at the Cleveland Clinic. I
was told that I would feel a post-surgical fog of sorts for up to 12 months,
considering I was out of things from the anesthesia from my surgery for more
than 24 hours.
When you are recovering from major surgery, you expect to be
feeling its aftereffects for a while; I had to relearn how to breathe deeply so
I could speak in phrases of more than a few seconds without gasping for air and
to make sure I could be heard and understood; this took only a few days, but my
breathing exercises to strengthen my lung capacity and endurance went on for a
couple of months and a was a major part of my at-home recovery. Despite all of
my resting and recovery attempts, I passed out my first day back to work in
January from dehydration, but returned after only one day out and have been
back to work and fine ever since. In fact, work has gone quite well, with my
ability to concentrate at least as good, if not better, than before and I have
taken on a bit more responsibility. To be honest, I do drink a lot more fluids
and I have started taking in a bottle of Coke Zero, the only sugar-free soft
drink I really like, but I drink it sparingly, taking full effect of the therapeutic
properties of its caffeine.
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| DJing at WBNY, my apparent creative refuge |
So, what is the source and cause of the above-mentioned
frustration? I am still feeling fatigue from the post-surgical fog/effects of
the surgery, which strike soon after I get home from work during the week. I
first walk our dog, Harold, which fortunately doesn’t take too much out of me
physically or mentally…or so I thought. When we get home, I have to make
dinner, and lately, I am feeling rather tired but still make dinner.
NOW, I hit the major frustration; any creative activity,
mainly my writing, is like a mountain to climb or marathon to run, as I am
physically and mentally more tired than I was pre-surgery. I used to be kind of
bad falling asleep after diner, but I am now notorious for dozing off. It is
something that doctors, nurses and therapists at the Cleveland Clinic told me
would happen, but I hoped it would not have such a hold on me and for so long.
I have specific projects I am working on and want to work on, but I can’t seem
to get through the fog, the tiredness and the reawakening of parts of my brain
to accomplish them, or certainly not at any pace or quality that satisfies me.
I am either getting inspiration and ideas at the more inconvenient times, such
as work or when walking the dog, or I am not getting them at all or weakly.
I was fortunate to have been given a talent, an ability to
write in manners that communicate with people and present concepts in cogent,
convincing and entertaining manners; not everyone has certain creative talents
or the ability to convey them, and writing has become inseparable from me and
my identity. It was my job as a newspaper reporter and editor for more than 18
years and has been my life as a professional writer for more than 30 years. Not
being able to write meaningfully, and not being able to overcome certain
obstacles, even if temporary, is a real punch to the gut; even though I have
taken to photography to express certain creative feelings and ideas, I feel as
if I am wasting my real creative talent. It is incredibly gratifying to be and
call myself a writer, and not being able to do so in any way near what I want
is almost like telling me I am no longer a writer, regardless of that being
true or not.
It isn’t as if I haven’t tried to get through this; I
continue to write on social media, and don’t think the quality or quantity has
decreased, but instead of being complementary to my writing for publications
and blogging, it has virtually become my only outlet. After I got out of the
hospital, I began writing about certain memorable parts of my two stays, and
ended up writing thousands of words on it. Not one piece, not one word has seen
the light of day, because I do not feel any of it is good enough to share;
there are some things I really want to write about, including medication
affected dreams and hallucinations, but I’ll be damned if I can find any words
even close to expressing what I felt and saw. I discussed this and other
related concerns with my incredible wife, photographer Valerie Dunne, who has
been amazingly supportive and offered my several approaches and resolutions, as
have other artists and creative people when I ask for advice or recommendations
on this topic.
Being strong headed (to put it mildly) on my writing and
related activities, advice is sometimes difficult to filter through my specific
creative ability and approach. I am not the type who can or will write simply
as catharsis and put it out there; I always have and probably will write
something that is up to certain standards before I put it before other people,
and communication with others is vital to me. I have tried to write notes or
partial ideas and thoughts, but that hasn’t led to anything and it hasn’t
shaken me loose from the writer’s block. I appreciate all of the support and
ideas people have given me, but I hope they realize, and I’m sure most do, just
how individual the creative process can be for people, not just across artistic
and creative endeavors and fields, but between people in the same creative
areas.
I will struggle with this creative/writer’s block until it
goes away or until I stop caring about it, and I can’t ever see the latter
occurring. I have suffered periods of writer’s block in the past, none this
long or as frustrating, and I hope you’ll bear with me until I send away or
temporarily stop, if not slay, this dragon.
Postscript: Thinking after finishing this piece, I did
forget one very important and enjoyable creative route that has treated me well
over this recovery, that being able to DJ at WBNY 91.3 FM at Buffalo State
College. As an alumnus, I did my annual Alumni Weekend show, but what really
helped me was being able to be the substitute DJ for two weeks for Robin
Connell (an excellent DJ with fantastic musical taste) on her “What You Need”
program. I was able to create a sound experience for two, three-hour periods
thanks to Robin offering me this opportunity and with Val giving me lots of
encouragement and musical suggestions. Since that occurred in May, I hope the
creative boost gave me stays around a while and I would appreciate the
opportunity to DJ again at WBNY, one way or another.
